Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Love me some naked, sweaty rub downs

I love the spa. But not in that snarky-I-bedazzle-my-iphone-and-broke-a-nail-while-swiping-my-platinum-credit-card kind of way. I love it in the, I'm-totally-normal-but-love-having-a-good-soak and-massage-once-a-month, kind of way. It's an escape from noise, from clothes, from endless thoughts that drown out my sanity.

So we walk through old town to get to our spa place, and walk right past Dr. Drew in the parking lot. Yeah, no big deal. Get in the spa, put on the always oversized robe which makes me feel like a small child, and walk towards the steam room. I usually opt to go Au' Naturale, it's somehow the one place I feel totally comfortable being all naked and stuff. Might have to do with seeing so many other older/larger/hairier women who feel comfortable being naked. Even still, I always bring a towel into the steam room with me to sit on -- because my neurotic mind does nothing but picture the other sweaty people who have sat their sweaty bare cheeks on the benches in there. However there were a few women in the spa with bathing suits on. And in a spa, wearing a bathing suit sort of means, "I'm not naked because I do not want to see you naked."  So I opted to wrap a towel around myself in the steam room. 

As I'm sitting there with my towel around me, breathing into a cold wash cloth as new steam pours in, an older woman throws open the door and marches right in and sits down. And I have to say, the steam came too late, the fog wasn't thick enough to hide this little, round woman who walked in entirely naked. No sandals, no towel. She sits straight on the bench causing a slight squishing noise. Then she lays down flat and as she adjusts herself into (an even more) comfortable position I continually hear the stickiest of sounds. She occasionally makes grunting noises and I had met my limit of maturity. I wanted to laugh slash gaff at her. And I wanted to get out of there before I had to hear her peel herself up off that bench. The noise. It's cemented into my memory. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with nakedness. More power to her. It was the noise. It was the sticky, sweaty noise.
this is how i should have felt.
Enough of that, I was ready for the good stuff. My massage. I'm escorted to my room and asked if I'd like to upgrade to aromatherapy or hot stones. I, almost reflexively, say "no thanks, not this time." To which my masseur lady gives me a nasty, "I see how it is" kind of look. I immediately thought, "oh, it's on lady, it's on." The thing is, after I said no to the upgrades I realized I didn't even consider it and might enjoy it. But I couldn't go back now, not after the passive aggressive face she made. [Please note: I realize I am nuts. A bit imaginative perhaps. Or even ridiculous. Now that it's acknowledged, I will allow myself the space to be horribly disgruntled.] 

So the massage begins, and I feel like I am being punished. This has got to be deep tissue pressure and I am supposed to be getting a "pure relaxation" massage. After 5 minutes she asks, "How's the pressure?" in a I'm-actually-trying-to-hurt-you kind of way. Thinking that I can't let her win, I say, "It's perfect!" Oh yeah, got you there lady, I'm not giving in that easy. This has become a battle of the wills. 5 Minutes later, I am cringing and using absolutely all of my strength not to flinch or react to the deep tissue massage I am receiving. Cannot express weakness or pain, that would give her too much pleasure. As she digs her hand under my shoulder blade and pushes the knots in my muscles along my neck, I feel more convinced that she is out to get me. Luckily I am face down and she cant see my tears and drool. 

I then roll over and she doesn't put an eye mask on immediately, I figure it's so she can see the pain in my face. No way you're going to win that easily lady. I didn't flinch or change my facial expression once. I'm pretty certain she thinks I'm like a woman of steel or something. I start getting knots in my stomach from the pain that I am holding in because well, I am too proud to ask for lighter pressure. I want nothing more than for it to be over with. And it is. She clanks the wind chime, turns the light up and leaves the room waiting for my to get my robe on. She hands me a glass of water and with a smile (not a nice one of course) says, "take your time in the spa, I worked you pretty good," to which I smiled (not a nice one of course) and said, "oh it wasn't too bad." And so it was. I walked away feeling like I had won. Feeling like I had been beaten up. And, shamefully, like I had just gotten the most effective massage for my muscle pain. Maybe I made the whole thing up in my head. Maybe I didn't. So much for escaping those endless thoughts.

Oh yeah, we had a housewarming shindig the other day. House feels pretty warm now. I must say, I'm a sucker for friends and family. Don't make me say it again, I love the cool people in my life. Seriously.

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